Mary Whitehouse would have loved the internet. This sounds preposterous seeing as she seemed to hate anything progressive and try her hardest to take society kicking and screaming back to the days of crucifixion because, you know, that’s what Jesus would have done! I’m sure some of the content would have got her goat like Disney porn or The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I’m sure she’d have found ‘What What: In The Butt‘ or Rihanna’s ‘Stay‘ video caused her to weep into that weird 80’s tracing paper that octogenarians have in their toilets. She may have got on with Twitter because it would have allowed her to spew her vile rhetoric at an even larger audience than just Daily Mail subscribers. I bet she’d have loved ‘Two Girls One Cup‘ though.
Mary Whitehouse was a dick, not just because she was a hateful person masquerading as a white knight crusading to save us silly people from ourselves and the culture we were evolving, but because she didn’t even experience it first. I tried Christianity and it wasn’t for me so I can now make educated attacks on it through my own experience. I haven’t, however, tried having my penis grated with a cheese-grater so I can’t say with any real conviction that it’s a terrible thing (I’ll let you know next week). Whitehouse epitomises the seemingly unstoppable trend of saying your piece before you’ve given something a go, and having the utmost conviction in what you’re saying at the same time. Surely not a very Christian thing to do, I mean did Jesus just take one look at Mary Magdalene and write her off as a minefield of cystitis? No, he ‘experienced’ her first and made his judgement afterwards. Whitehouse and her fucked up cronies the NVALA (National Viewers And Listeners Association) attacked and prosecuted numerous works of art such as ‘Doctor Who‘, Alice Cooper’s ‘School’s Out‘ and ‘A Clockwork Orange‘ on the grounds of blasphemy and vulgarity without even being adult enough to sample them first. Ironically she gave Jimmy Saville an award for wholesome family entertainment for his “work” with children on ‘Jim’ll Fix It‘. I bet she never even tried paedophilia before commenting, bitch!
I recently read a great feature on The Quietus entitled, ‘The Quietus Writers’ 40 Favourite Live Albums‘ which is a cracking read and opened my eyes to a wealth of wonderful content (The Velvet Underground Live album is a must and Sun Ra Live at Montreux blew me away) but what I found interesting is the amount of readers who didn’t. Not that they didn’t find a wealth of content but that they didn’t read the fucking article and then they felt they had the right to angrily comment and moan about the choices. WITHOUT READING THE FUCKING ARTICLE! The main subject of contention was that ‘James Brown – Sex Machine‘ was not a live album but made to appear that way, a point highlighted by John Doran, the writer, numerous times in the main article. Despite his knowledge of this fact, his admittance of the fraudulent nature of this ‘live’ album and his noting of it at least three times in the piece, there were still snarky, rude and abusive comments highlighting his “error”. WHY NOT READ THE FUCKING ARTICLE BEFORE YOU COMMENT?! Sorry I know I sound crazy but I was raised to not not knock something before I’ve tried it, we’ve all read headlines in The Sun or Daily Mail and formed an opinion without wanting to read further because it’s The Sun or Daily Mail but what kind of person then comments without knowing the full extent of the article? Who believes so vehemently in their own opinion that they don’t even need to experience something before they spew their beliefs on all of us?
Mary Whitehouse was a dick. We shouldn’t continue her ignorant practice of casting the first and only stone without even knowing why we’re throwing it. We should take the time to experience things and make our own informed judgement before commenting on something. Please feel free to leave your comments below but if you haven’t read every word of this piece and then re-read it and used the dictionary for any words you didn’t understand then I’m going to make sure you’re on the NVALA’s honours list next year, Meerkuts’ll Fix It for YOU!